On the highest mountain top!

God is moving mountains! The great one had an AWESOME service tonight that got me to thinking. I have made some stupid moves in my past, put the epiphany that was "issued" tonight is one that I came to about 5 or 6 months ago. One that I have been "living" all of my life, or trying to atleast.

God has layed something upon my heart and is guiding me a way right now, that part of me is dead set ready to go with. The other part of me has put up a wall, and doesn't want to deal with the things I have to accept this. Its an exciting adventure I am ready to ensue. Yet I need a break first. I am ready for this break.

I just want it on the record, I officially hate MIDTERMS! They are pointless, to set aside a week of testing to clump everything together in eager students lives. When exams are spread out throughout the semester, you don't have this all night crazy studying. All the stress and everything else that comes along with it.

"Let what we do in here, fill the streets out there."

J

Lights burning into the night

I hate feelings that hit you HARD! I was excited about an amazing Monday. Or, what I thought was GOING to be an awesome day! Don't get me wrong it was pretty good...just not AWESOME. All plans, got thrown out in the matter of minutes.

I realized today that God gives the ability to make decisions. Yet, guides us the way he wants. I have realized a gift God has given me. A gift that I didn't want to accept fully. One, that I wanted to make it my own. After thinking and being frustrated over a situation, God has the situation under control, and is merely opening up AMAZING doors through which I can use to my advantage with this gift.

God is truely AMAZING! Which, I guess makes my day not too horrible.

J

Salute Your Shorts anyone?!?!

We run, we jump, we swim, we play
We row and go on trips
But one thing that lasts forever
Our are dear friendships
Camp Anawanna

We hold you in our hearts
And when we think about you
It makes me wanna fart
"It's I hope we never part, now get it right or pay the price."

We will share a lifetimeof the fondest memories
By the lake of Anawanna
Set in the old pine trees
Camp Anawanna

We hold you in our hearts
And when we think about you
This thing came apart
think Anawanna, speakAnawanna, live Anawanna. Ug!

YAY!!! I love having a night of memories! I feel old...when I have to go to a retro website to find shows I USED to watch...Also, when I freaked out 'cuz the smurfs season 1 is coming out on DVD on tuesday!

J

Life is so Simple...once again!

Slowly but surely my life is coming back in line, the way it used to be. Things are starting to simplify themselves out. I knew this day would come through all the ups and downs, but honestly I thought it would take a lot longer. Everything is going great! I am rekindling old friendships, renewing those bonds that I thought might be lost. I am making new friends, and having fun along the way.

God really has layed a lot on my heart here lately. He really has me thinking through a lot of things and its extremely exciting, just to see the little insight he is giving me into where I am going.

J

The smell of Vinegar

Almost anywhere I went today I could smell vinegar. A not too pleasant smell.
Yuck! Yay for the rock salt stuff they use here on campus.
I wish it would just ice over.

I am excited about the things that have been placed in my life here lately. It seems like my life has once again become an adventure. I need to grab my backpack full of stuff and take on the world. I feel prepared again. I have my God, the wisdom of the Great One, and the influences from SO many others.

One of the things, I have realized I miss the most; MEETING new people and forming new friendships. My ROCK for so many years was being able to take on this task. Lately, I have been yearning for this. I think I have just established a new goal for myself.

J

GOODMORNING Moon...

(Wednesday)

I went far away, from lights of the glaring city tonight. With two of my close friends.
In hopes to see an amazing site. Tonight is the lunar eclipse.
Our busy days and lifes surrounding our actions.
The fridge night air, colder by the lake.
We don't even realize the moon is no where to be seen.
We tried. We made the misfortune into fun.

So much of my life is filled with trying. Trying to accomplish, achieve, or even SEE something amazing. Yet, many times I fall down. I merely accomplish TRYING. There is nothing wrong with this. As long as I remind myself to see the good out of trying.

This weather is making me want to curl up in a blanket with a good book!

J

A note from Heartbreak Hotel

I Love, a lot. I feel as though I have a very passionate and compassionate heart and personality. I share my love with all who accepts it. Sometimes though, I wish this love would be reciprocated. I get stepped on and trampeled over all the time. I let myself feel this way. There are days where these feelings are minimal and unimportant. Other days, these feelings are so monumental. Who knows.

I keep hurting myself! I burnt myself accidentally last week on my hand, and arg it looks gross. I have been off and on sick for a while, and I think its getting close to alergy season ICK. Enough of that.

I am not heartbroken, nor will I EVER let myself get that way. Expectations are horrible. I hold myself to so much, on so many seperate levels.

I decided with one of my friends today that I am going to try something new. I am going to start passing on inspirational books that I read. I am going to pass them on with the only stipulation for the person to SOMETIME, pass on that book or another book that they deam should be passed on. I realize sometimes books touch us in a special way, give us a feeling we don't want to pass on. (The reasoning of being able to pass on another book). I don't know, books have a special place in my heart. We shall see how well the idea plays out.

J

In ONE year....

I have been thinking a lot lately about promises. Those that I make to myself especially. I have decided that there are several promises and things I want to accomplish within one year from now. Some feel rather superficial, others are very real goals and ambitions, as well as promises that I have made with myself.

-Read the Bible in a year.
-Achieve the Internship I want this summer
-Dedicate NO less than 4 hours a week to ME
-Take a Road trip
-Impact someones life
-Dedicate myself to my leadership team
-Do something I enjoy this summer, while pushing myself to a new extreme
-Smile, genuinely EACH and everyday
-Strive for exceptional grades
-Exceed a fear
-Meet new people, form new friendships

I think these are all, for atleast now. I am sure this list will be updated and critiqued over the next few months.

J

Questioning long lost decisions

I have had some life chaning moments and made some growth enhancing decisions over the past 6 months or so. In the past week I have questioned many of the decisions I have made. Questioning things as to if I should have spoke up when I did. What the right thing to do this summer is. Where to go. Who to be around. Who to trust. What to say. All of these and more have been floating around in my head. I am ready for them to end again.

I hate feeling an ounce of hope and letting that hope grow into something its not. That thought is now out of my mind. I am done. Finished. Its OVER, for good. That is a promise I made myself a while back. A promise I will not go back on.

J

A Day of nothingness

(A tribute to Saturday)

So many THINGS to do, yet I accomplished nothing.
I have been lacking sleep here lately the past week or so, so I caught up on sleep.
Going into this weekend, I knew I was going to have to keep my mind occupied to keep from getting sad or upset. Over a stupid thing, but something that ment a lot to me. Oh, well.

I was able to get away and relax. Spend some quality time with some close friends.

I realized today that I am missing some of my friends that I haven's seen in several months. We all live far away from each other, but I am accostumed to seeing them atleast once a month (in previous years). So this whole not seeing them for 4 or 5 months is killing me. I will work on getting to see them soon.

J

Tagalongs

YAY!! In case the whole world didn't know its GIRL SCOUT COOKIE TIME!!!! I have been craving them for the longest time. Today, I was able to fulfill my craving!

It was a MARVELOUS way to celebrate me, being....me. For the first time in almost a month I feel like me again. Everything seems to be 99.4234555 % back to normal and I am back to the true and real me.

I feel bad because a group is going to work on Tornado relief, but I need tomorrow for me. I have loads of homework, and I know my Sunday is already full.

My Smile, is back. The real one!

J

DO NOT ENTER!

You know the parable your parents or grandparents told you about walkig 20 miles to school up hill both ways waist high in the snow. I don't think its a when life gets tough parable. Its more of a you learn lessons through all your endevours. Or atleast thats what i see today. My life has been turned upside down and backwards here lately. Loads of things I have had to analyze and think about.

Like why are there SO many trains?

I had an amazing FERRIS WHEEL DAY. As afore mentioned I HATED the Holiday that was celebrated yesterday. I rocked out and had lots of fun!

I am SHARING the LOVE each and everyday to all I encounter!

J

An utter dismay!

I HATE Valentine's Day.

I don't just dislike it, I absolutely positively with shear dismay HATE this holiday! It is a commercialized wreck and excuse for attention. Don't get me wrong, affection is okay, but do you have to be told when to show "Love" for someone.

Many people don't realize the Valentine's Day is actually dirived from a Catholic Celebration for St. Valentine.

Why do we celebrate this holiday anyways. What draws us into it?
I am preparing for my day tomorrow. No, its not just "Singles Awareness day" it is Feb. 14th, my parents anniversary, and (St.) Valentine's Day.

To me, its another day to strive for success in everything I do. To share my love and compassion with all that I encounter.

Bring on St. Patricks Day!

J

8 mintues late, and a dollar short

I am EXHAUSTED! I have been on the go since I came back to school yesterday. Nothing is wrong, just everything has been rush rush rush. My life has been crazy! Some very important people in my life have recently said and done some amazing things that have helped me through this week.

Watch that first step 'cuz its a DOOZIE!!!

J

In the midst of a Thunderstorm....(MONDAYS!)

I LOVE thunderstorms and rain!
I love to sit and listen to the world around me get hushed to the miraculous sounds of nature.
I have recently walked out from under a very lengthy thunderstorm. Full of scariness. Moments of unsure paths. Questioning decisions. The list goes on. I threw my umbrella away a week or so ago. A little rain never hurt anyone. Until it was up to my neck. Then I realized what I had to do. That is when I walked out and away from my thunderstorm.

I will know be back on the correct days for posting, hopefully there woln't be anymore of this four posts in one day.

J

Weebles Wabble but......

....they don't fall down!

So I hadn't forgotten about writing. I actually have been keeping up with my writing, I have kept up with it, I just couldn't log on. So the posts are delayed.

I have had several realizations this weekend about who I am. I am still in limbo about LOTS of things. Slowly but surely they should work things out.

Home was a good event. Home, is home again.

J

A Day to top all others....recently

My most amazing, spectacularly awesometastic day in a REALLY REALLY REALLY Long time!

Today, everything is clear.
Still rough and ridges and very muddy...but there is a reflection in the muddle.

My day started off like a typical Saturday, sort of! I was up at 8 AM! Crazy I know!
It started off with getting to drive my 1st vehicle EVER! My Sonoma, ahh I miss that truck!
Then I got to eat CHINESE food with one of my dearest friends from High School, we got to catch up and have some fun, realizing how much our feelings were alike.
After food and friendship, we parted ways and I went back home and spent some time with my family. Chillin' around the farm, playin with the horses and stuff.

This afternoon I got to SHOOT SKEET!!! OH my goodness! It has been forever, but I had SO MUCH fun!!!!! It was just like the good 'ole days again!
To top off an AMAZING afternoon we went and got to see a Bald Eagle, even though it didn't fly, it was still AMAZING!
Then tonight, I not only got to play with the baby for a while, I ALSO got to spend time with one of my best friends from home! We rocked out in her living room just having fun and catching up! I love being able to pick up right where we left off!
When I was leaving, I looked up and saw the AWESOME creation from God, of the sky. It was a GORGEOUS night the sky was absolutely BEAUTIFUL! I took in the sight for a bit then went home.

I thank God for home. The ability to escape reality for just a few days. To truely appreciate the person I am, the people I have in my life, as well as everything I have. Reality is truely over rated way too often.

J

A long trip home

I drove. 176 miles. Seeing nothing but tail lights, and very few of them. The roads are empty and well traversed. Yet, I feel like I am in bumper to bumper rush hour traffic on a friday afternoon. As I drove, I thought. Genres of music changed, from metal and rap, to JUNO, to relient K, to air 1 radio station, and even COUNTRY!...then silence. I was sick of the noise. I was sick of the noise I have been putting in my own life for so long. I am okay alone, I can spend time with myself. So, I did!

The long trip, or rather short one, turned into a lengthy thought session, intermitant with prayer. I maintained my cool all of last year, because I traversed home so often. (side note: I love to travel!...hmmph?) I have thought so much, had my breakdown. Now what?

Now, everything is a blur.
Everything that has been....has been and was.
Everything will be, will be the way it is supposed to be.
Like someone ran there fingures across a wet canvas, WEE for a blur!
Yet, my blur is like one of those 3-D pictures, squint and you can see something!

J

Remebering a day gone by....

I have had a song stuck in my head ALL day...not just any song but the WORST song ever! Okay, so maybe its not the WORST....but pretty darn close. It was a song by some hippies, about change. (If I can find it online, I will share it)

Change is something that has been affecting me A LOT here lately.

I realized today that I have been getting upset and frustrated at people lately over stupid things. Many of these due to change, or lack there of. It's all a thing people have to learn over time. These are feelings I have to work on quashing.

Another thing I have realized is that people struggle with being alone with themselves. I mean truely alone, not doing things for others, or doing schoolwork, or anything else. Many people justify these actions because they are "alone" yet they are not being alone with themselves, these are the times we learn the most about and for ourselves. eh, I guess to each his own. People learn how to cope with this in many different ways.

J

Ehh...

I have been in a prolific writing stage here lately. One more for today.


I just want to run
Just want to get away
Ready set go, we're on our way

Through the ups and downs of life
My mind rolls along
Sometimes its me, others its you
No rhyme nor reasons

Life on the edge
Running without end
Should I ever stop
My mind says yes,
But my heart says no
No, no, no

I will never let go
I will keep on running
Running through hoops
Running on the verge
There is no turning back

I won't stop running
Each day a new path
Each night a conspiracy,
Within my thoughts

Trying to get away
Trying to find a new
Life is running its race,
I am running mine
No one knows where to,
Especially not me

J

Steppin Out

We all have comfort zones. Safety nets. Lines in the sand. As people we roll up in bubble wrap to protect us from the world.

This however causes issues:
1) We hide; from each other, ourselves, and the world.
2) We don't know our strengths, our how strong we truely are.
3) When we are called to step out of them, we run.

I have recently been tackling the issues of my safety net, and how far away it was. I have always had a pretty large comfort zone, if asked I would do the things I was asked.

I was brought up in a very accepting home, one that taught me it doesn't matter what you look like, sound like, think like, believe in, and the list goes on. I will accept you, for who you are.

I was thrown into a situation that tested my comfort and toleratable zone. I felt pushed outside on the outskirts of an idea I would never associate with. I completed the task successfully, and learned a little bit more about who I am. Yet, now I question if it was that easy to supress the feelings of discomfort with situation what is holding me back from doing it with other situations. Hmph...now I must ponder.


Lent starts today. Because of an obligation I missed Ash Wednesday service. Wasn't the first, though. I have decided that I am going to take up this ;) Blogging, DAILY! I have blogged in the past but it was hit or miss. The other thing I have decided to do is I am giving up sweet tea. I am almost dependant on it. It will definatly be a challenge.

J

My Super Hero

With a kind heart
An open mind
I trust you to catch my fall
It doesn't happen often
But when it does, you are always there
I don't question your intentions
I know there pure
In and out of your super suite

Tough on the outside
You take on the world
Rough and tumble, ready to roll
Through the dusk and the dawn
You are strong and bold

Disregarding your own
Your thoughts, concerns, and fears
Today, they don't matter
Tomorrow, maybe they will
You put others first,
Always have, and always will

You out there,
The one with the cape,
And the mask, and that awesome Super suite
You are my ultimate hero
You will never know the impact

J

A Small Thought

For the starters,

Today I give in. Its a sink or swim situation. Gah, college is just full of surprise! Exciting, nerve racking, stressful, and the list goes on. It is also FULL of growing up.

Purpose: To express daily thoughts, feelings, and dealings to better enable myself to understand the true Me.

Words that I live by:
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." - Walt Disney
"Anyone who thinks my story is anywhere near over is sadly mistaken." - Donald Trump
"As long as your going to be thinking anyway, think big." - Donald Trump
"There era we are living in today is a dream of coming true." -Walt Disney
"Today you are you, that is truer than true; there is nobody out there youer than you!" - Dr. Suess

J